The Gospel Shift: Holding Pain and Promise Together with "And" Instead of "But"
“God can hold both pain and promise — together.”
A quick Google search would state that, on average, 100-200 applications would need to be submitted to land a job. Those who have taken the long path to getting employed know all too well the feeling of desperation and anxiety of getting hired. They also know the pain of rejection. If an employer happened to be generous enough to reach out to, one would get the typical niceties along these lines: “Our team thought you were qualified for the job, but we decided to go in a different direction.”
Implicitly or explicitly, we have all learned, in a deep emotional way, that anything said before the word “but” holds little to zero value. This language pattern has wormed its way to become a dismissive framework that disconnects us from our emotional world. That disconnection directly affects our relationships with ourselves, with others, and with God.
To be clear: “but” is not a bad word. It is often used, however, to alter our perceptions of the world around us by causing us to dismiss, invalidate, and disconnect us from one another. It has done disservice in our relationships, and we do not recognize when we perpetuate it.
The But Framework
We are conditioned from an early age to default into the “but” framework. It is a common occurrence in the therapy room:
“I did all this work, but I know there is so much more that I should do.”
“I feel so alone because my spouse is not supporting me at all, but they work so hard so I cannot say anything.”
“Life has really got me depressed, but so many others have it worse than me.”
We identify our struggle and emotional experience and immediately dismiss it with unhelpful comments and conclusions. This framework also shows up in church culture as well:
“Money is so tight, but God will provide.”
“I have no one to share life with, but God will be my companion.”
“I am sorry for the loss of your best friend, but I pray that God will be your comfort.”
In the moment, these statements sound innocuous or even encouraging. We may hear the preacher say this on Sunday; or from a friend attempting to comfort; or even in our own minds to get through life. Sometimes these statements feel like breakthroughs and freedom, and then time passes and the breakthrough does not come. When the dust settles, we may start to feel less close to God. When we find ourselves back into the brokenness of our home, the loneliness of our apartment, or the conflict in our marriages, our emotional experience remains. The pain remains. Then we work so hard to chase that experience of freedom again, trying to shove down or ignore the pain we are going through. We try to “pray it away” and yet we keep struggling.
Why do we do things this way? This is because the framework of “but”, which disconnects and dismisses, although more painful, is much easier. It is easier to pretend to ignore the pain and try to “carry on.” It is easier to laugh off the way we may have hurt someone than to acknowledge our failures. It is easier to pretend that we are good with God and not actually deeply angry or disappointed with him for not showing up. It is easier…. and it is painful.
When we try to ignore our own pain, it bleeds out in several ways. It can show up in our physical bodies through symptoms like stomach problems or fatigue. We can opt out of social and professional opportunities in life (potentially leading to an anxiety disorder).
When we dismiss the pain of others, we put up a wall for self-preservation. It can push others away, and we end up feeling lonelier and depressed.
When we dismiss the pain in our relationship with God, we become doubtful. God is perceived like a rigid boss becoming disillusioned in our faith.
The And Framework
If not a “but” framework, that disconnects and dismisses, what can we do? The gospels show us a shift to “and” instead of “but.” This is because the freedom that the gospel of Jesus offers does not come from dismissing our pain, but acknowledging it, validating it, and holding it with God.
One example of this is when Jesus comforted Mary and Martha (John 11:32-35). When their brother, Lazarus, fell ill, while Jesus and his disciples were out of town, Mary and Martha sent for Jesus. When he heard the message he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” At this point, Jesus is doing something that the rest are not understanding. By the time Jesus arrived, however, Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days. Martha was moved to call Jesus out saying “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” Even here, Martha was willing to dismiss the pain and suffering she, her sister, and her brother had gone through, in faith, knowing Jesus could still do something about their situation.
The story could have continued with Jesus immediately raising Lazarus from the dead. The author, however, decided to detail that when Jesus sees Mary and the others weeping, he was “deeply moved and in his spirit greatly troubled.” This is where we see the “and” framework. Jesus was attuned to the people’s emotional pain. He did not dismiss it; he did not ignore it. He felt it and was moved by it. While still being deeply moved, Jesus called Lazarus out of the tomb, and he rose from the dead.
The narrative could have been: You are weeping and grieving but I, Jesus, will come through to show that I am the Son of God. What we witnessed instead was: You are weeping and I, Jesus, see your pain and am troubled and moved, and I will heal your brother, and I will come through to show that I am the Son of God. We see here that Jesus is not disconnected. He did not dismiss. Jesus is considerate. While seeing pain, he validates it, and still did what he came to do.
We see this pattern several times during Jesus’ ministry:
The Woman at the Well (John 4:7-26)
Jesus did not condemn the woman for having five husbands. He acknowledged the woman’s loneliness, validated the missing pieces in her life, and offered her living water.
Calming the Disciples’ Fear (Mark 4:35-41)
Jesus instructed his disciples to cross the Sea of Galilee to continue his ministry. When his disciples, the experienced sea-faring men that they were, had deep fear that the storm they encountered was going to kill them, Jesus acknowledged their fear, assured them, and calmed the storm.
By incorporating an “and” framework that is considerate and validates our emotional experiences, Jesus shows us how to live life holistically. He shows us that God recognizes all parts of us and still we remain beloved.
How do we emulate this?
We first need to acknowledge and identify where in our lives we operate in a “but” framework. Take time to reflect on how this framework is perpetuated and how it affects us. We need to look at how we do this to ourselves and in our relationships and slowly learn how to shift our interactions to become more considerate and validating. It can look like this:
When we say: “I did all this work, but I know there is so much more that I should have done.”
- The message we send ourselves is that we are never good enough or will never amount. This can perpetuate a culture and mentality that leads to burning out, ignoring our needs and limitations.
Instead try saying: “I did all this work, and I know there is more that I can do.”
- Here we expand our perception of reality to recognize what we have done and that there is more that can be done. The work that is not yet done no longer reflects your inability to do it.
When we say: “Life has really got me depressed, but I know so many others have it worse than me.”
- The message here falls short of acknowledging the struggle of the depressive symptoms and dismisses our emotional experience.
Instead we can say: “I acknowledge my struggles in life that make me feel depressed, and tomorrow can be a better day”.
- This acknowledges the struggles we have in life and opens up the potential that the future can get better.
When we say: “I have no one to share life with, but God will be my companion.”
- The message dismisses the very real pain of feeling alone.
Instead, we can say: “I am feeling alone and I need God to meet me in this area of my life.”
- Here, we accept the reality of our emotional experience and seek God to show up in the way only he knows best.
By shifting to an “and” framework we avoid the trap of limiting the scope of the Gospel. Instead of convincing ourselves that there are larger issues for God to care for, we realize that the good news is expansive. That God can care for our mental health. He can also care for the people in war-torn countries, the people in power, our enemies, and our next-door neighbor. God can hold both pain and promise together.
Although the world is a broken place and we cannot expect it to validate or be considerate of us, God can and will. And because he can and will, we are called to do the same.
