Cultivating Self-Compassion and Curiosity for Personal Growth
Imagine being 8 months old, rediscovering gravity for the thousandth time. You hold your spoon over the table, see your parents’ eyes widen, and—plop! Down it goes. You laugh at the sheer joy of discovery, repeating it again and again. Later that night you look up, captivated by lights speckled across the night sky. Once more, curiosity pulls you in.
Curiosity is at the bedrock of all growth. From a psychological point of view, it allows us to examine our relationships to the world, those around us, and to ourselves. It provides us the vital information needed to mature.
But as we grow older, curiosity doesn’t always feel rewarding. Sometimes it brings answers we’d rather not face. Maybe we become rigid because we’ve learned just enough to get by. But I think there’s more to it: Curiosity can also expose us to pain.
As children, we wonder why siblings pick on us and conclude, maybe I’m too small for this world. We wonder why the boy didn’t accept our flowers and assume, I must not be pretty enough. Later, we wonder why our spouse no longer sees the good in us, and we fear, maybe they don’t love me anymore. Sometimes, when we have asked questions with genuine curiosity, we’ve been met with eye rolls, frustration, or a patronizing “shouldn’t you already know that?” It’s hard to stay curious when the answers—or the reactions—hurt, especially if we doubt we can handle them. Curiosity can feel risky, making it intuitive to turn away from what we dislike instead of learning and maturing through it.
And this is where compassion comes in.
If fear shuts down curiosity, compassion is what reopens the door.
Self-compassion, for example, is the act of accepting the parts of ourselves that are dislikable while maintaining our overall lovability. It opens the door for a balanced and honest view of ourselves, acknowledging both our strengths and our weaknesses. Without it, we must either reject our flaws by blaming or controlling others to maintain our ego, or we are swallowed whole by our flaws and withdraw in shame. Sometimes, we do both.
If loving acceptance in the face of our own shortcomings can be maintained, then we become capable to look into our shortcomings with curiosity. All of a sudden, we become free to ask the terrifying questions, and to sincerely pursue terrifying answers. Only here can true and free curiosity take root. And if compassionate curiosity can persist even in the face of fear then it can move us through the terrifying and into something new: an empathetic understanding of ourselves. Inevitably, the way we relate to ourselves impacts the way we relate to others. Where there was blame, there can be compassion. Where there was control, there can be curiosity and openness. Where there was fear, there can be courage. Where there was hate, there can be love.
We might put the growth process this way:
As I grow in compassion, I learn to love what I’d rather reject. Holding what I’d rather discard allows me to approach it with curiosity. Curiosity leads to accurate and empathetic understanding. And understanding deepens compassion, with wisdom as the cherry on top.
Carl Rogers put it best:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
But how do we accept ourselves? We must first be curious about what to accept, then maintain a compassionate posture as we encounter what we would rather avoid. The good news is, we can all practice this—one gentle, curious question at a time.
Reflection:
In what ways are you hard on yourself or on those around you?
Are there aspects of your personality or relationships that you avoid?
Where does arrogance or shame come up on your life?
In what ways do you think you could be more compassionate, either to yourself or someone else?
In what ways could you be more curious, either to yourself or someone else?
