Caring for the Relationships That Carry Ministry
At the February 2026 CIFT Pastors’ Forum, Dr. Chris and Alisa Grace from Biola’s Center for Marriage and Relationships invited pastors into an honest conversation about the relational weight many leaders quietly carry.
They shared research that named what many in ministry already feel. While most pastors regularly support and counsel other marriages, far fewer feel equipped or supported in their own. Many leaders give generously while navigating marriage and family life with limited space for care, reflection, or repair.
Rather than offering quick fixes, the Graces offered a gentle and hopeful framework for nurturing Christ centered relationships, especially in the midst of ministry demands.
Listen to the full Pastors’ Forum audio
Dr. Chris and Alisa Grace share personal stories, practical insights, and reflections on caring for relationships that sustain ministry.
Six keys to fostering healthy, Christ-centered relationships
1-Paying Attention to What Is Beneath the Words
One of the first reminders was that every conversation carries emotional meaning, not just spoken content. We are wired to read tone, posture, and presence, often before we process words. This means a leader’s inner world is felt by their spouse, children, staff, and congregation, even when nothing is said aloud.
Becoming aware of our own emotional state is not a burden. It is an invitation to lead with greater clarity and care.
2-Choosing Curiosity Over Control
Healthy connection grows through curiosity. The Graces encouraged leaders to focus less on being impressive and more on being genuinely interested. Jesus modeled this posture throughout the Gospels by asking thoughtful questions and creating space for people to be seen.
Simple phrases like “tell me more” can open doors to deeper understanding and trust.
3-Seeking Understanding Before Resolution
Conflict often lingers because both people want to be understood first. The Graces encouraged leaders to slow down and listen with the goal of understanding rather than persuading. Validating another person’s experience does not require agreement, but it does create safety. When people feel heard, defensiveness softens and connection becomes possible again.
4-Noticing the Filters We Carry
Each of us brings a personal history into every relationship. Past experiences, wounds, and family patterns shape how we interpret the world. The Graces reminded pastors that these internal filters can distort how we see others and even how we experience God.
Identifying our own filters is an act of humility and an important step toward healthier relationships.
5-Looking Beneath the Conflict
“Most conflict is not about what is happening on the surface, but about the deeper need to feel seen, safe, and valued.”
Most disagreements are about more than what is happening on the surface. Beneath the event is often a deeper emotional need, such as a desire to feel valued, secure, or understood. When leaders learn to listen for what is underneath the conflict, tension can become an opportunity for connection rather than distance.
6-Shifting From Obligation to Gratitude
The forum closed with a simple but powerful shift. Replacing “I have to” with “I get to” changes how leaders experience ministry, marriage, and even difficult relationships. This small language change reflects a deeper posture of gratitude that strengthens resilience and renews joy.
Keynote: Dr. Chris and Alisa Grace
Dr. Chris and Alisa Grace have spent more than 35 years teaching, writing, and speaking on building healthy, Christ-centered relationships. Together, they founded and direct Biola University’s Center for Marriage and Relationships, where Chris is a professor of psychology and Alisa serves as adjunct faculty. They are national speakers for Family Life and Focus on the Family, and their podcast, The Art of Relationships, is heard in over 142 countries. Chris and Alisa live in Southern California, where they enjoy time with their two married children, four grandchildren, and their recent Biola graduate.
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